


Memories

by Weiru



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Child Abuse, Complex Morality, Depressed Neil Josten, Depression, Dissociation, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Mental Health Issues, Read the beginning notes for more warnings, References to Depression, Stockholm Syndrome, Trigger Warnings, no beta we die like men, please read all THE TAGS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-19 03:56:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29620242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weiru/pseuds/Weiru
Summary: Abuse was a word Neil had never known how to deal with, the sickly sweet memories that would often overwhelm him and yet he still felt the feeling of love underneath the betrayal. To acknowledge that there was a problem meant opening up a combing through all the memories he had locked away for so long. And he didnt feel ready for that yet.
Relationships: Neil Josten & Mary Hatford
Kudos: 18





	Memories

**Author's Note:**

> I dont glorify issues presented within this story, its all based upon my personal experiences, thoughts and feelings. 
> 
> Do not read if you are sensitive to:  
> Child abuse  
> Depression  
> Abuse in general  
> Power imbalance between relationship  
> Slight descriptions of violence  
> Kinda a victim blaming mentality or at least one where they sympathise with an abuser. 
> 
> If you have any issues in regards to mental health please do not read this fic and talk to someone. Especially if you relate to anything in this fic. Better to talk to a professional if you feel stable enough 
> 
> This kinda comes off self deprecating but i didnt know how to change the tone. I was told it was stress from university so idek how to feel and wanted to throw some sad feels on neil since he’s actually been through it too. Shits crazy but yall dont have children if you dont know how to work through stress. This is the end of my tedtalk

Abuse was a word Neil had never known how to deal with, the sickly sweet memories that would often overwhelm him and yet he still felt the feeling of love underneath the betrayal. To acknowledge that there was a problem meant opening up a combing through all the memories he had locked away for so long. 

It hurt to think about the pain he felt on a daily basis and the words that truly broke him in all the ways he never fought possible and that would be enough for most people to deem his mother evil but that wasn't what Neil believed. They had good moments too and he had remembered how happy it made him feel over the littlest things, the smiles in his direction or the occasional sweet she bought just for him. 

They had laughed and bonded over numerous things and among the few memories he had of his childhood those are the ones he held close to his heart and made it all worth it. His mother wasn't evil but she wasn't good either, it's not all as black and white as people think it is. 

Whilst being in her care had left irreparable damage to his mental state and left him unable to process his feelings years after, she had also taken care of him and looked after him in his weakest moments.

When he was sick she let him stay home and took care of him, when he said he wanted to pick up another book to learn about the outside life she let him. It would make others sick to hear what he thought especially if they had lived through what he did, if they had to be beaten everyday and feel as if you are going to die and have to walk on shaky legs that threatened to collapse so you could tend to your wounds alone. 

But if there was anything that he learnt is that the littlest things matter and that builds your character, he wanted to forgive her for all that she did, he understood the amount of stress that she was under by taking care of him and maintaining the morals of being a mother. 

Though the lines between love and hate somehow blurred along the way and the pain it caused years later was evidenced of that. 

Neil hadn't even known what was happening until him until he had no power to retaliate, the dominance of his mother had taken over and so he locked those thoughts away. It was better when he was a clueless child who didn't understand what was happening, it hurt less to know that he was a victim, that label left taints on his skin and seemed more of a liability than freedom. 

It was a crime he knew his mother was committing and that just one call could save him of all his troubles but who would listen to a child? Noone would even understand and he knew he could never say anything, after all he still loved his mother and believed that there was no one who would love him like she does.

The thought of doing that felt like a betrayal, it would linger with him for the rest of his life and the thoughts of what ifs would make him hate himself even more than he did already. The speeches from school and posters littered about abuse were bullshit, how couldn't they even recognise the signs when it was staring them right in the face.

The awkward conversions about Neil participating in trips but not knowing that his mother held all the power and the fact that he never spoke. That was a problem within itself, the only time in which his voice was used for a while was for gasps of pain, screams or answering the register before lessons.

How did they miss the signs? It took time but he had learned how to speak again without fear that his words would be used against him or that he would have to beg again for it to stop but the blows continued to rain down on him. 

The metaphorical claws his mother had was dug in tight and every word and thought that made him feel like crying was swallowed back. He had to blend in with his classmates and know that this was a secret he would take to his grave or else he would be taken away.

Neil never got to ask her why she did what she did, his mother never even knew the pain that she caused or how she made him so sick to look at his own body but he knew that if he heard her excuse that it would rest heavily on his soul. 

He was afraid to hear the answer and he had a feeling it was his fault, he had been the cause of his mother’s stress and anguish during their time on the run so this was nothing. Neil had clung desperately to the idea that it was his fault and that he deserved it for so long that whenever he was hurt he tried to look for reasons. Neil had gotten used to his mind running at a mile a minute trying to figure out what set her off. 

Did he not answer a question fast enough? Was he being too oblivious to his surroundings? Did someone know? But it seemed that his mother never wanted to talk, the only thing was screaming and pain for the next few hours. It wasn't long before the dissociation sat in and with that came the mental health issues. 

It's not something that anyone is taught about when they are growing up and yet it affects so many people. Neil had spent a few years of his life walking like a corpse, his mind was in a constant state of false security and he had no longer felt like himself. 

He had forgotten himself entirely and that was the scariest thing of all. Neil would take the pain over this feeling at any second, it was the worst feeling to have forgotten yourself and not know how to fix it. It was hard to even notice when it happened and down right impossible to get out of, at first it began as a way to cope with the pain but then it became shielding himself off entirely.

Neil didn't even know who he was anymore, his depersonalised state worsened the more he moved around and after the various names he was forced to take. Alex. Stephan. He had lost count of them all. It was a struggle that he tried to live with but every day that passed made him feel lesser like a person and more of an unknown entity. He had lost his identity and during this time forgot he was even real, it seemed ludicrous to say and yet that was the inevitable conclusion. Neil was no longer the innocent child he once was that did not understand what was happening to him but thought that it was normal.

He now knew that he was a victim of child abuse and he didnt understand how to process it anymore. Hatred seemed like a word that was more like chains on his soul and he began to hate himself, how could you love your abuser and truly believe that you are better off with them? Neil had gone through various schools feeling scared that someone was going to notice and remove him from his mother’s custody and yet nothing ever happened. 

The dissociation continued and the self hatred rose up in waves. He had heard countless motivational speeches from the schools he attended and the same deprecating tone towards the parents remain, but what happens when the parent isn't all that bad? 

He had been hurt numerous times but even as he internally cursed his mother he knew that he didn't mean it, he still loved her in a way that made him feel even more like a victim. 

The words she threw at him would never be forgotten and the bitter way in which she said his name but there was no use to dwell on those feelings especially when no help would come. Neil had gone beyond the point of wishing for death and above all else he wanted to be free. 

He wanted to live, love and feel as if he was someone. So as he sat at the side of the road next to his mother’s grave he continued to think. 

He couldn't leave with any bad feelings and so Neil stood up and brushed the dry rocks from palms on his trousers and set off. Not knowing where he was going but as long as he was alive then it would have to do for now.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any gramatical errors or typos, ill fix them when i wake up. Hope yall like this one and lemme know what you think. Comments fr keep me going and even thou i take a while to reply, i do read them all ✨


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